Today, I attended the School of Social Work Award Ceremony.
Once I got there, I kind of regretted going at all. Only one of my friends was there and honestly, I could have cared less about the others in attendance.
The absence of a friend, who is very skilled and intelligent, made me keenly aware of the arbitrary nature of award ceremonies. As long as you look good on paper you get invited. Sure, most of the people deserve to be awarded, but there were plenty of people not invited who deserved to be there as well. That's not the main reason I regretted going, though. Aside from not caring who was there and feeling slightly high schooler-ish, I began to realize I was very anxious.
Blessedly, I have not felt anxiety over grades since high school. Assignments, yes. Grades, no. In college I didn't stress about maintaining a 4.0, especially since I blew my chances my very first semester in, of all the classes, Intro to the Bible. From there on out, I wasn't concerned. Grad school, up until today, was the same situation. Last semester I was truly shocked when I got A's in all of my classes and I am still kind of shocked, considering how poorly I did on a couple of my midterms.
Today, the anxiety over grades returned. I am ashamed to say it returned because suddenly I remembered how good it felt to be recognized in front of my peers. Students were recognized that were graduating with honors (read 4.0) and anxiety swelled inside of me. I wanted to graduate with honors. I wanted to be honored in front of my peers. I was all the more anxious because it is the end of my last semester of classes and well, I think a 4.0 is probably impossible.
After having a few hours away from the pomp and circumstance, my nerves have calmed and my anxiety has returned to a normal level. Well, normal for a full-time graduate student. I have realized: 1) Grades don't matter beyond graduation. The important thing is that I become a good practitioner and I can do that with a 4.0 or 3.5, 2) At this late point in my grad school career, a 4.0 is likely not going to happen. I'll go ahead and blame my lazy professors who make up for their lack of effort in the classroom by grading more strenuously, and 3) I don't really care that much about my peers think and I definitely won't care what some random person I went to grad school thinks of me in a year. Heck, most of them probably won't even remember who I am and that is okay because I will have forgotten who they are as well.
So, here's to never attending another awards ceremony every again. It's just not good for me.
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