Yesterday at church the sermon was taken from Isaiah 40. You know, the poetic those who hope in the Lord will mount up on wings as eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint.
The gist of the sermon was that we occasionally soar like eagles, and we may often run, but we can always count on God to give us the strength to take at least one step. I am graduating on sunday and I cannot think of anything that more accurately sums up how God has sustained me throughout the last eighteen months.
I don't know how I could have done it without him. There were so many days I could barely get out of bed, barely get out the door, and barely make it to class on time. There were so many times I didn't know how to start a project, didn't think I could stay awake through class, and certainly didn't think I was going to make it to the end.
Somehow I was able to wake up each morning and take just one more step. I was able to type just one more sentence on that paper I thought I couldn't start. I pressed on one project at a time and I finally finished my coursework.
And here I am within days of graduation, weeks of finishing my internship, and have a promising job prospect. Without the reminder yesterday, I might have thought I was doing this in my own strength.
Who am I kidding? People do not complete a master's program in eighteen months without some kind of help. People do not do that in their own power. Thank goodness we can count on the God who gives us the strength to take just one more step.
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Monday, December 5, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Yesterday
**There has been so much drama this week that taking pictures has seemed irrelevant. I've yet to decide if I want to post about the other happenings of this week, but I know for sure I need to document thursday.**
Yesterday I thought I was going to see a mother's joy when she hears her daughter is being returned to her. Five months ago this mother made the mature decision to let her daughter live with her grandmother because she knew she had her own issues to take care of. She knew she needed to do what was best for her daughter. For the first time in over two years, this mother finally decided she was ready to make a change.
I've only known her for the last four months, but in that time I have seen one of the most determined and motivated individuals I may ever meet. She has worked tirelessly to ensure that when the court date arrived she would be prepared to have her daughter placed in her care. Every monday for the last sixteen weeks I have watched her interact with her daughter and I have been impressed by the obvious bond between them. It was obvious to me when we went to the dentist and the only way her daughter was finally able to comply was when her mother told her how disappointed and sad and upset she was. This daughter wanted to please her mother because she is bonded to her and, as is normal in bonded relationships, the daughter did not want to disappoint her mother.
However, the judge did not support our recommendation for the goal. I sat in another hearing for another case earlier yesterday morning, in which the mother had similar issues as this mother. In the earlier case the mother had been doing well, but within the last six months she has regressed. It is my own personal opinion that the judge might have had that on his mind when he told this other mother that he wanted to see her continue to make progress for another six months before changing the goal. I understand the judge has to protect the children and I respect his decision, but it doesn't mean I have to agree.
Perhaps the most devastating part of the judge's decision was his decision to make the child a ward of the state. Previously, she had only been a ward of the court and was not in foster care. The child had been living with her grandmother only because the mother agreed to place the child there, not because she was court ordered to. At that point the mother still had all of her parental rights, which I think was and still is appropriate. As a ward of the state, the child will remain with her grandmother, but she is now in relative foster care.
Yesterday this case became a foster care case, instead of an intact case. Once the case went to foster care it gets reassigned to a foster care caseworker. Under normal circumstances we might expect that the case might remain in our office since we have previously worked with the family. However, we aren't operating as normal. Our intake has been closed for the current time, which means the case is going to move to another agency entirely.
I fully anticipated that last monday might possibly be the last visit I supervised. But I thought it would be the last for completely different reasons. Yesterday, we had a meeting with the mother and grandmother after court to discuss where we go from here. As we sat there it hit me that I may never see this family again. I might get to be there when we hand the case off to whatever agency gets it, but even then that is only the handoff of the child. Generally, handoffs don't include the parent too.
I have watched this mother make so much progress and work so hard. She has busted her a** to get her daughter home. (My supervisor's words exactly.) Sometimes you work so hard and it seems you have nothing to show for it. The judge tells you that the work you have done is commendable and yet he doesn't send your child home to you. Yet. My heart breaks for my client. I don't know what it is like to have your child taken away from you, but I do know what it feels like to buckle down and work hard and see nothing happen. I know what it feels like to work and feel like it is all in vain.
I hope she sees that six months is a blip on the screen in the grand scheme of things. I hope she sees that her daughter is so young she will probably not remember most of this anyway. I hope she sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, six months feels like an eternity now, but what you have done is not in vain. Keep doing what you are doing, please. It will not be in vain.
Yesterday I thought I was going to see a mother's joy when she hears her daughter is being returned to her. Five months ago this mother made the mature decision to let her daughter live with her grandmother because she knew she had her own issues to take care of. She knew she needed to do what was best for her daughter. For the first time in over two years, this mother finally decided she was ready to make a change.
I've only known her for the last four months, but in that time I have seen one of the most determined and motivated individuals I may ever meet. She has worked tirelessly to ensure that when the court date arrived she would be prepared to have her daughter placed in her care. Every monday for the last sixteen weeks I have watched her interact with her daughter and I have been impressed by the obvious bond between them. It was obvious to me when we went to the dentist and the only way her daughter was finally able to comply was when her mother told her how disappointed and sad and upset she was. This daughter wanted to please her mother because she is bonded to her and, as is normal in bonded relationships, the daughter did not want to disappoint her mother.
However, the judge did not support our recommendation for the goal. I sat in another hearing for another case earlier yesterday morning, in which the mother had similar issues as this mother. In the earlier case the mother had been doing well, but within the last six months she has regressed. It is my own personal opinion that the judge might have had that on his mind when he told this other mother that he wanted to see her continue to make progress for another six months before changing the goal. I understand the judge has to protect the children and I respect his decision, but it doesn't mean I have to agree.
Perhaps the most devastating part of the judge's decision was his decision to make the child a ward of the state. Previously, she had only been a ward of the court and was not in foster care. The child had been living with her grandmother only because the mother agreed to place the child there, not because she was court ordered to. At that point the mother still had all of her parental rights, which I think was and still is appropriate. As a ward of the state, the child will remain with her grandmother, but she is now in relative foster care.
Yesterday this case became a foster care case, instead of an intact case. Once the case went to foster care it gets reassigned to a foster care caseworker. Under normal circumstances we might expect that the case might remain in our office since we have previously worked with the family. However, we aren't operating as normal. Our intake has been closed for the current time, which means the case is going to move to another agency entirely.
I fully anticipated that last monday might possibly be the last visit I supervised. But I thought it would be the last for completely different reasons. Yesterday, we had a meeting with the mother and grandmother after court to discuss where we go from here. As we sat there it hit me that I may never see this family again. I might get to be there when we hand the case off to whatever agency gets it, but even then that is only the handoff of the child. Generally, handoffs don't include the parent too.
I have watched this mother make so much progress and work so hard. She has busted her a** to get her daughter home. (My supervisor's words exactly.) Sometimes you work so hard and it seems you have nothing to show for it. The judge tells you that the work you have done is commendable and yet he doesn't send your child home to you. Yet. My heart breaks for my client. I don't know what it is like to have your child taken away from you, but I do know what it feels like to buckle down and work hard and see nothing happen. I know what it feels like to work and feel like it is all in vain.
I hope she sees that six months is a blip on the screen in the grand scheme of things. I hope she sees that her daughter is so young she will probably not remember most of this anyway. I hope she sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, six months feels like an eternity now, but what you have done is not in vain. Keep doing what you are doing, please. It will not be in vain.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
What I Needed to Hear Today
Let no one caught in sin remain inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross and run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us, freely You've bled for us
Christ is risen from the dead trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Beneath the weight of all our sin You bowed to none but Heaven's will
No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown, no burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign, forever let Your church proclaim
Christ is risen from the dead trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead we are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light, the glory of God has defeated the night
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light, our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive
Christ is risen from the dead trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead we are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
"Christ is Risen" --Matt Maher
Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. It comes with the territory I am sure. When the majority of what you see on a daily basis is brokenness, it is easy to forget about the Creator, Healer, and Redeemer.
Thus far, I am mostly working with two cases. They could not be more opposite. Well, that's not totally true -- there are a lot of things that overlap, most prominently the use of substances. The biggest difference is one parent realizes the mistakes that have been made and the other has no clue. One family will probably get their children back and the other probably won't.
I could feel the presence of God yesterday in the counseling office. This client gets it. Whatever it is. Mistakes have been made and they recognize that. And in a way that only God could orchestrate, they get what the grace of God means. I have not seen what this client was like before treatment, but I have read the file and it was not pretty. I truly cannot believe that it is the same person. This is what the redemption of God looks like.
"If anyone belongs to Christ, there is a new creation. The old things have gone; everything is made new!"
-- 2 Corinthians 5:17
We fix our eyes upon the cross and run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us, freely You've bled for us
Christ is risen from the dead trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Beneath the weight of all our sin You bowed to none but Heaven's will
No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown, no burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign, forever let Your church proclaim
Christ is risen from the dead trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead we are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light, the glory of God has defeated the night
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light, our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive
Christ is risen from the dead trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead we are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
"Christ is Risen" --Matt Maher
Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. It comes with the territory I am sure. When the majority of what you see on a daily basis is brokenness, it is easy to forget about the Creator, Healer, and Redeemer.
Thus far, I am mostly working with two cases. They could not be more opposite. Well, that's not totally true -- there are a lot of things that overlap, most prominently the use of substances. The biggest difference is one parent realizes the mistakes that have been made and the other has no clue. One family will probably get their children back and the other probably won't.
I could feel the presence of God yesterday in the counseling office. This client gets it. Whatever it is. Mistakes have been made and they recognize that. And in a way that only God could orchestrate, they get what the grace of God means. I have not seen what this client was like before treatment, but I have read the file and it was not pretty. I truly cannot believe that it is the same person. This is what the redemption of God looks like.
"If anyone belongs to Christ, there is a new creation. The old things have gone; everything is made new!"
-- 2 Corinthians 5:17
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
There Are No Coincidences
Last week one of my friends said to me, 'I'm starting to think that there are no coincidences."
I'm inclined to agree with her. this comment came after I told her about being passed by a friend on the highway on the way home from school.
It got me thinking about the other coincidences that have happened in my life.
Is it just coincidence that I was accepted into the U of I's School of Social Work program, this year, where I have made what will probably be lifelong friends?
Is it coincidence that my mom had leukemia and my step-sister's dad also had leukemia? And that I am great friends with my step-sister?
Is is coincidence that friends of mine were prevented from flying to Asia the day after the most wanted terrorist was killed?
Is it coincidence that my internship and Seth's new job start on the exact same day and that neither one of us had any control over our start dates?
I think I am becoming more convinced that there are no coincidences. The orchestration of God is nothing short of amazing. I'm no Calvinist, but I certainly think that it is amazing the way God works in the details. I love the rare moments I am able to recognize God's hand in the details.
I'm starting to think there are no coincidences.
I'm inclined to agree with her. this comment came after I told her about being passed by a friend on the highway on the way home from school.
It got me thinking about the other coincidences that have happened in my life.
Is it just coincidence that I was accepted into the U of I's School of Social Work program, this year, where I have made what will probably be lifelong friends?
Is it coincidence that my mom had leukemia and my step-sister's dad also had leukemia? And that I am great friends with my step-sister?
Is is coincidence that friends of mine were prevented from flying to Asia the day after the most wanted terrorist was killed?
Is it coincidence that my internship and Seth's new job start on the exact same day and that neither one of us had any control over our start dates?
I think I am becoming more convinced that there are no coincidences. The orchestration of God is nothing short of amazing. I'm no Calvinist, but I certainly think that it is amazing the way God works in the details. I love the rare moments I am able to recognize God's hand in the details.
I'm starting to think there are no coincidences.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Eve Of 24
This is the last day of my twenty-third year of life. Twenty-three was very exciting.
I planned a beautiful wedding.
I was accepted to grad school.
I got married to an amazing man.
I finished two semesters of grad school and maintained a 4.0.
I exercised regularly enough that I could have run a 5K if I wanted.
I became an aunt (just barely--my precious niece was born just three days ago!).
I had a live Christmas tree for the first time ever.
I have been cooking more than ever before---and enjoying it too.
I've added more miles to my car than I care to think about.
I am finally paying all of my bills and not relying on my parents financially. Feels good. Kinda.
Most months, I have made a budget and stuck to it.
Twenty-three certainly wasn't a cakewalk. There were hard moments. I am finding that the older I get, the more proactive I have to be. I cannot just let things happen to me. I cannot float aimlessly through life. I think that over the last year I have started making conscious decisions about what I am going to do with my life.
For better or for worse, I have made many important decisions on a whim. Aside from saying yes to Seth when he asked me to marry him (or date him for that matter), deciding to get my masters in social work was probably one of the first conscious decisions I made. I had drifted into seminary on a total whim, not quite ready to leave behind my collegiate lifestyle.
I have found that there is a great joy in making conscious decisions. I feel like I have control of my life. In a sense. Of course, there is the God piece. When I am making conscious decisions I actually pray about them in advance and can have peace about the outcome. When I just drift into the circumstances of my life I am praying, but it is usually something like, "dear God, please let this be the right thing....since I'm already here."
I am grateful for where I've been and what I've done and I'm happy to be where I am most of the time. I am thankful for most of the experiences I have had because I made decisions on a whim--like where to go to college. I am finding that I am much more appreciative of the decisions I've made consciously and with great effort and prayer.
I planned a beautiful wedding.
I was accepted to grad school.
I got married to an amazing man.
I finished two semesters of grad school and maintained a 4.0.
I exercised regularly enough that I could have run a 5K if I wanted.
I became an aunt (just barely--my precious niece was born just three days ago!).
I had a live Christmas tree for the first time ever.
I have been cooking more than ever before---and enjoying it too.
I've added more miles to my car than I care to think about.
I am finally paying all of my bills and not relying on my parents financially. Feels good. Kinda.
Most months, I have made a budget and stuck to it.
Twenty-three certainly wasn't a cakewalk. There were hard moments. I am finding that the older I get, the more proactive I have to be. I cannot just let things happen to me. I cannot float aimlessly through life. I think that over the last year I have started making conscious decisions about what I am going to do with my life.
For better or for worse, I have made many important decisions on a whim. Aside from saying yes to Seth when he asked me to marry him (or date him for that matter), deciding to get my masters in social work was probably one of the first conscious decisions I made. I had drifted into seminary on a total whim, not quite ready to leave behind my collegiate lifestyle.
I have found that there is a great joy in making conscious decisions. I feel like I have control of my life. In a sense. Of course, there is the God piece. When I am making conscious decisions I actually pray about them in advance and can have peace about the outcome. When I just drift into the circumstances of my life I am praying, but it is usually something like, "dear God, please let this be the right thing....since I'm already here."
I am grateful for where I've been and what I've done and I'm happy to be where I am most of the time. I am thankful for most of the experiences I have had because I made decisions on a whim--like where to go to college. I am finding that I am much more appreciative of the decisions I've made consciously and with great effort and prayer.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
27/365: Bittersweet
I don't know why it took me so long to buy this book. It might have something to do with grad school. Or maybe I was reluctant to buy something not deemed a "necessity."
Once I finally purchase Bittersweet, I devoured its contents within a matter of days. Apparently my declined interest in reading applied only to my grad school textbooks. Bittersweet has refreshed me. I should have bitten the bullet and bought it as soon as it was released. Maybe it would have spared me some of the heartache I have experienced during this hard, somewhat bitter season of life.
Suffice it to say: grad school has been a really hard transition for me and Bittersweet is all about changes and transitions. I now understand why I don't even recognize the person I've been for at least the last month. And I'm looking forward to walking through the rest of this transitional season with a clearer head and more grounded feet.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
18/365: Fresh
The church I attend is reading through the Bible this year. I don't know that this would fall under the category of resolution, so much as goal; but my husband and I are reading through the Bible this year. So far we are doing pretty good at keeping up with the reading. We might miss a day but the daily amounts are small enough that it isn't a big deal to catch up the next day.
I'll be honest, the NIV translation has become stale for me. I could not see myself actually being motivated to read everyday out of the NIV. I have a bachelor's degree from a Bible college, for crying out loud. I've dabbled in the Message and I enjoy it, but it wasn't quite what I was looking for. I ended up deciding to read the English Standard Version (which I ordered and received in the mail today, hence the picture). It is a slightly higher reading level than the NIV, which is exciting for me as a graduate student. I want to read at a level that will challenge me and will not be something that I can scan over and still grasp the meaning.
I am hoping that reading this new-to-me translation will give me fresh eyes for scripture and deepen my understanding.
I'll be honest, the NIV translation has become stale for me. I could not see myself actually being motivated to read everyday out of the NIV. I have a bachelor's degree from a Bible college, for crying out loud. I've dabbled in the Message and I enjoy it, but it wasn't quite what I was looking for. I ended up deciding to read the English Standard Version (which I ordered and received in the mail today, hence the picture). It is a slightly higher reading level than the NIV, which is exciting for me as a graduate student. I want to read at a level that will challenge me and will not be something that I can scan over and still grasp the meaning.
I am hoping that reading this new-to-me translation will give me fresh eyes for scripture and deepen my understanding.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Discontentment
Discontentment. I cannot shake this feeling lately. It's everywhere.
I have slept until eleven almost every morning this week. Before I even get out of bed I feel like I have wasted half the day. When I feel like the day has already been wasted I am not any more motivated to get up. It's a never-ending downward spiral, not to mention a horrible sleep pattern.
School starts in just over a week. Just thinking about school overwhelms me. The homework. The driving. Buying textbooks.
My internship starts on May 15th. I have no idea where it will be. I am genuinely freaked out and feel so unprepared to go on internship. More unprepared than the spring semester of classes will help.
Then there is the tiny apartment. It is so small and cramped. There simply is not room for all of our stuff. There is constantly a pile of stuff to give away and yet there is still too much for the apartment. I feel like all I do is just move the clutter from one place to another. It is a pointless, never-ending cycle that makes me feel better for a day or two.
These are all relatively small ways in which I feel discontent. If it were just one I am sure I could handle it. I fact I probably wouldn't even notice it.
Maybe the point is that I am supposed to notice. Up until now I thought all of this was unholy discontentment-- I was not supposed to feel this way. But, what if this a holy discontentment that is leading me to God and leading me to find true contentment in Him?
I have slept until eleven almost every morning this week. Before I even get out of bed I feel like I have wasted half the day. When I feel like the day has already been wasted I am not any more motivated to get up. It's a never-ending downward spiral, not to mention a horrible sleep pattern.
School starts in just over a week. Just thinking about school overwhelms me. The homework. The driving. Buying textbooks.
My internship starts on May 15th. I have no idea where it will be. I am genuinely freaked out and feel so unprepared to go on internship. More unprepared than the spring semester of classes will help.
Then there is the tiny apartment. It is so small and cramped. There simply is not room for all of our stuff. There is constantly a pile of stuff to give away and yet there is still too much for the apartment. I feel like all I do is just move the clutter from one place to another. It is a pointless, never-ending cycle that makes me feel better for a day or two.
These are all relatively small ways in which I feel discontent. If it were just one I am sure I could handle it. I fact I probably wouldn't even notice it.
Maybe the point is that I am supposed to notice. Up until now I thought all of this was unholy discontentment-- I was not supposed to feel this way. But, what if this a holy discontentment that is leading me to God and leading me to find true contentment in Him?
Friday, December 31, 2010
Reflections On 2010
This probably isn't the greatest day for me to reflect on this year. I'm sick for the first time all year--how's that for irony?
2010 was not my favorite year. I got engaged Christmas Eve of '09, which was great but it brought the stress of wedding planning. I really did not enjoy that season of my life. There was so much drama surrounding the planning of the wedding that I still don't know if it was worth it. I was really disenchanted with all of it and realized how much emphasis our culture puts on one single day rather than the marriage that is to come. Nevertheless, I am very happy to be married and being married has been one of the greatest blessings and challenges in my life.
I remember waking up New Year's Day to frozen pipes. That was not my idea of fun. I believe they were frozen for about a week and then froze again a week later. The only good thing was that my landlord paid for the new pipes instead of me. That, and many other things have made me thankful to be a renter.
Last January I took statistics as an intensive course as a prerequisite to a masters program that I had not yet been accepted to. I took the class in faith that this masters program was where God was leading me and that I should pay for this class anyway. I really enjoyed the class and it was one of the best classes I have ever taken. No joke. I loved statistics. I even found a mistake on one of the homework assignments and corrected the professor. I took all this as a sign that this was indeed what God wanted to do.
I was accepted into that masters program and it has been challenging and not what I thought it would be in so many ways. I have made some of the greatest friends, which I did not expect at all. I am so thankful for those friends, though. I could not have made it through the last six months without their friendship. By the grace of God I somehow have a 4.0, and I am so thankful for that, although I feel so undeserving.
Overall, 2010 has been very bittersweet. Which I think is a hot word right now because of Shauna Niequist's book that was released this year. I haven't read it yet, so this is all me. The wedding planning was bitter, the marriage is sweet. Grad school is bitter, the friendships are sweet. Frozen pipes was bitter, not having to pay for new pipes is sweet.
2010 was not my favorite year. I got engaged Christmas Eve of '09, which was great but it brought the stress of wedding planning. I really did not enjoy that season of my life. There was so much drama surrounding the planning of the wedding that I still don't know if it was worth it. I was really disenchanted with all of it and realized how much emphasis our culture puts on one single day rather than the marriage that is to come. Nevertheless, I am very happy to be married and being married has been one of the greatest blessings and challenges in my life.
I remember waking up New Year's Day to frozen pipes. That was not my idea of fun. I believe they were frozen for about a week and then froze again a week later. The only good thing was that my landlord paid for the new pipes instead of me. That, and many other things have made me thankful to be a renter.
Last January I took statistics as an intensive course as a prerequisite to a masters program that I had not yet been accepted to. I took the class in faith that this masters program was where God was leading me and that I should pay for this class anyway. I really enjoyed the class and it was one of the best classes I have ever taken. No joke. I loved statistics. I even found a mistake on one of the homework assignments and corrected the professor. I took all this as a sign that this was indeed what God wanted to do.
I was accepted into that masters program and it has been challenging and not what I thought it would be in so many ways. I have made some of the greatest friends, which I did not expect at all. I am so thankful for those friends, though. I could not have made it through the last six months without their friendship. By the grace of God I somehow have a 4.0, and I am so thankful for that, although I feel so undeserving.
Overall, 2010 has been very bittersweet. Which I think is a hot word right now because of Shauna Niequist's book that was released this year. I haven't read it yet, so this is all me. The wedding planning was bitter, the marriage is sweet. Grad school is bitter, the friendships are sweet. Frozen pipes was bitter, not having to pay for new pipes is sweet.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Grace
I now know what it feels like to receive grace. Yet another thing that grad school has taught me.
By the grace of God I somehow got a 4.0 for the last semester. I can't say earned, because when it is grace it cannot be earned.
I know that I did not have what it took to get a 4.0. Well, maybe I had it, but I wasn't using it. I procrastinated too much and put in what I felt was too little, too late.
But, maybe I was trying harder than I thought. Or maybe God is faithful, even when it comes to my GPA.
I can tell you one thing, I am blessed.
By the grace of God I somehow got a 4.0 for the last semester. I can't say earned, because when it is grace it cannot be earned.
I know that I did not have what it took to get a 4.0. Well, maybe I had it, but I wasn't using it. I procrastinated too much and put in what I felt was too little, too late.
But, maybe I was trying harder than I thought. Or maybe God is faithful, even when it comes to my GPA.
I can tell you one thing, I am blessed.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thoughts On Graduate School
I remember this time last year. I was dying to get into the U of I's School of Social Work. I prayed about it all the time. I asked pretty much everyone I knew to pray about it too. It was all I could think about. I worried about it all the time.
One year later, I am a student at the U of I's School of Social Work. Sure, I was elated a few months ago when I found out I was accepted. Now, I am more of stressed. Now, I kind of wish I wouldn't have got in and that I was out working a job that would actually be relevant to a career in social work.
I remember loathing the waiting process so much. I remember thinking it was so hard to wait on God to answer my prayers. As hard as all the waiting was, it was so much easier than actually doing what God calls you to. I don't know that I have ever wanted something so desperately and once I got it, wished it was something else.
Waiting seems so easy now. It was easy to be in limbo and easy to wait because it just required some faith. Actually going to graduate school requires so much more faith. It isn't that my actual faith is being challenged, it is that I am being challenged and it requires me to put even more faith in God.
I don't know how many times I wonder if I will make it through. Twenty hours of graduate level classes is a lot. And somehow it took me until yesterday to fully grasp that. Twenty hours of class and spending 9 hours a week in my car is more than draining.
I am learning a ton about myself. Like, I suck at time management. And I am awesome at procrastination. And I am easily distracted. Also, I am not as disciplined as I once thought I was.
This week was midterms and it showed my true colors. I was mostly unprepared for all of them, yet somehow I think I will be ok. This has been a huge wake-up call and I now have the proof that a major overhaul is in order.
One year later, I am a student at the U of I's School of Social Work. Sure, I was elated a few months ago when I found out I was accepted. Now, I am more of stressed. Now, I kind of wish I wouldn't have got in and that I was out working a job that would actually be relevant to a career in social work.
I remember loathing the waiting process so much. I remember thinking it was so hard to wait on God to answer my prayers. As hard as all the waiting was, it was so much easier than actually doing what God calls you to. I don't know that I have ever wanted something so desperately and once I got it, wished it was something else.
Waiting seems so easy now. It was easy to be in limbo and easy to wait because it just required some faith. Actually going to graduate school requires so much more faith. It isn't that my actual faith is being challenged, it is that I am being challenged and it requires me to put even more faith in God.
I don't know how many times I wonder if I will make it through. Twenty hours of graduate level classes is a lot. And somehow it took me until yesterday to fully grasp that. Twenty hours of class and spending 9 hours a week in my car is more than draining.
I am learning a ton about myself. Like, I suck at time management. And I am awesome at procrastination. And I am easily distracted. Also, I am not as disciplined as I once thought I was.
This week was midterms and it showed my true colors. I was mostly unprepared for all of them, yet somehow I think I will be ok. This has been a huge wake-up call and I now have the proof that a major overhaul is in order.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Breaking The Silence
I am sitting next to my printer, feeding it pieces of paper one-by-one so that it can print out the response cards for my wedding. What I thought would be an easy project has turned out to be the most difficult thing I have done all year. For the last two hours I have been at war with my printer, trying to coerce it into printing in the right direction. The printer may have won a few battles, but I won the war. Ah, the sweet sound of the printer humming along--the sound of victory.
God in his infinite wisdom decided that this would be a good teaching moment. About 1.5 hours into the war I thought I had finally triumphed over the printer. But the printer had won yet another battle. At this point I was at the end of my rope. In a moment of desperation, I cried out to God and asked him to show me a new way, a different way to format, anything. And guess what? He did it.
God in his infinite wisdom decided that this would be a good teaching moment. About 1.5 hours into the war I thought I had finally triumphed over the printer. But the printer had won yet another battle. At this point I was at the end of my rope. In a moment of desperation, I cried out to God and asked him to show me a new way, a different way to format, anything. And guess what? He did it.
Friday, March 12, 2010
So Good
1. Let me say that God has been really good to me. He has taught me a lot about what it means to follow him and live by faith.
2. I think I might blog more if I had a desk. Or even chairs to go with my kitchen table. Yes, I have a table and no chairs. I'm excited about yard sale season because the couch is not cutting it. Mostly because I need somewhere to sit my coffee that is within arm's reach and couch cushions aren't very stable.
3. [drumroll, please] I have been accepted to the University of Illinois Graduate School of Social Work! I will start on June 14th. That is exactly 2 months before I get married. crazy. I think I am up for it though. Grad school AND marriage.
4. Spring is finally here! I boxed up one of my space heaters yesterday [2 are still out although they haven't been turned on for a few days]. I am really not going to miss winter.
5. Yesterday there were some construction workers on the roof of the building next to mine and one of them started singing "hit me baby one more time." I kid you not.
6. I am excited to start the hunt for a new apartment. There are parts of my apartment that I love [low rent, walls painted a color of my choice, the green kitchen sink]. However, there are things I do not love [lack of storage, poorly insulated, and the world's tiniest water heater].
7. I am going to do a happy dance now.
2. I think I might blog more if I had a desk. Or even chairs to go with my kitchen table. Yes, I have a table and no chairs. I'm excited about yard sale season because the couch is not cutting it. Mostly because I need somewhere to sit my coffee that is within arm's reach and couch cushions aren't very stable.
3. [drumroll, please] I have been accepted to the University of Illinois Graduate School of Social Work! I will start on June 14th. That is exactly 2 months before I get married. crazy. I think I am up for it though. Grad school AND marriage.
4. Spring is finally here! I boxed up one of my space heaters yesterday [2 are still out although they haven't been turned on for a few days]. I am really not going to miss winter.
5. Yesterday there were some construction workers on the roof of the building next to mine and one of them started singing "hit me baby one more time." I kid you not.
6. I am excited to start the hunt for a new apartment. There are parts of my apartment that I love [low rent, walls painted a color of my choice, the green kitchen sink]. However, there are things I do not love [lack of storage, poorly insulated, and the world's tiniest water heater].
7. I am going to do a happy dance now.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
A Little Lost
I've been feeling a little lost lately. A little confused and not sure what to do with my time. I think the 20s are a very chaotic time in life. Maybe one of the circles of Hell. In trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and making big decisions, like where I'm going to live and who I'm going to marry and whatnot; I have concluded that the early 20s aren't very much fun. Maybe part of this is because I am a person who likes to be settled. I don't like moving around a lot and prefer to stay in one spot and put down roots. Right now my life is very unsettled. I don't know where I'll be living or what I'll be doing in as little as three months. I know I'll be getting married in August but I think that's the only sure thing right now. That and knowing that God is with me on this journey. That is what makes this unsettling time in life ok.
Also, I've decided to give frequent blogging another go. I have no idea what I'll be posting about, I just know its good for me to write and after reading many wonderful blogs I've decided that its about time I start documenting my life---even if I am the only one who will read it.
Also, I've decided to give frequent blogging another go. I have no idea what I'll be posting about, I just know its good for me to write and after reading many wonderful blogs I've decided that its about time I start documenting my life---even if I am the only one who will read it.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
In The Spirit Of Thanksgiving
I am choosing to be thankful today instead of bitter. There are so many circumstances that I would like to be different. However, I have much to be thankful for. Today I am going to dwell on those things. Thank you, God, for what I do have.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Found Art, A Reflection
Occasionally I make a stop over at Shauna Niequist's blog to check out what she's writing since I loved her book, Cold Tangerines. About a month ago she had a list of what she had been reading. On that list was Found Art by Leeana Tankersley. Leeana married a Navy Seal and moved with him from San Diego to Bahrain, and then wrote what she learned about God, herself, and the world along the way. Shauna sent me a copy and now I am doing my part and letting you all know about it.
This book was nothing if not interesting. I read it rather quickly once I actually found time to pick it up and I couldn't wait to read the next chapter and find out what happened in Leeana's life. However, I was kind of disappointed at the end. The book is non-fiction so that means that there is really no end to the story. I want to know what happens in this woman's life all the way up to the very end, but she is still living her life. There wasn't a clear conclusion and it bothers me. Not because I think its a poor way to end a book but because I like things to be cut and dried. I want to finish a book and not be left with so many questions. I want to know what happens to Leeana, but the truth is that Leeana doesn't know what happens to Leeana in the end because she hasn't lived it yet.
And that is really how I approach my life at times too. I want to know everything in advance. I like to plan and I hat not knowing what comes next. There seems to be this theme in my life right now--of not knowing what comes next. At some point I've got to figure out what God is trying to show me in the everyday. Thanks to Leeana for writing something that got inside of me and reminded me that there is a purpose to every season in life.
Monday, November 2, 2009
A Step Of Faith
Last tuesday I received a phone call from my last reference saying that she had submitted everything necessary, thus making my application complete.That call came about an hour after I got out of a meeting with my adviser, in which I told her I was quitting the program at the Seminary and informed her of my plans. She was very affirming of my decision and the meeting went really well. When I listened to the voicemail my reference left, I felt that was God's way of affirming my decision. I feel like all along the way I take little steps of faith and then God affirms them. For example, I applied and then found out I needed to take a stats class. It just so happens that LCU is offering a stats class as an intensive week (meaning I can get the pain over with in a week). My adviser then told me via email that stats class probably wouldn't work because most grad programs want a 4 or 5 hour stats class and LCU's is only 3. I emailed over to the U of I and found out within minutes that a 3 hour class is fine.
I now find myself in the land of waiting though. The School of Social Work's website gave me the impression that they review your application as soon as it is complete and let you know as soon as they have made a decision. Apparently that is not the case. I found out on friday that decision letters are not sent out until mid-March. That is a little over 4 months from now and I can do NOTHING. Lovely.
I am left with two options: 1) apply like mad to other programs or 2) wait. Choice #1 was my initial response. Social work programs only take new applicants in the fall so I feel like it is really important to be in one come fall 2010. However, after looking at several other programs I don't feel like any of them compare to the U of I. To put it bluntly, I feel like the U of I program was tailor-made for ME. It just seems like a great fit. It's one of the cheaper (cheap is relative) programs and also the shortest. They cater to those who have a bachelor's in an area other than social work. All of those things seem to be leading me to option #2: waiting. Although many around have assured me that U of I would be crazy not to let me it, I am not so confident. There is always the possibility that I will not be accepted. In some ways, I think this is another step of faith--a really big step--probably more like a leap off a cliff or something.
I know that I could apply to a ton of schools or just one and both of those options require faith. Initially I thought I was making the decision too spiritual by saying I would trust in God to get me into the U of I program. I'm not saying that their is anything particularly holy about their program (or any program), just that I feel called to be there. And if I feel like God has called me to be there I should trust that he's going to work it out.
I now find myself in the land of waiting though. The School of Social Work's website gave me the impression that they review your application as soon as it is complete and let you know as soon as they have made a decision. Apparently that is not the case. I found out on friday that decision letters are not sent out until mid-March. That is a little over 4 months from now and I can do NOTHING. Lovely.
I am left with two options: 1) apply like mad to other programs or 2) wait. Choice #1 was my initial response. Social work programs only take new applicants in the fall so I feel like it is really important to be in one come fall 2010. However, after looking at several other programs I don't feel like any of them compare to the U of I. To put it bluntly, I feel like the U of I program was tailor-made for ME. It just seems like a great fit. It's one of the cheaper (cheap is relative) programs and also the shortest. They cater to those who have a bachelor's in an area other than social work. All of those things seem to be leading me to option #2: waiting. Although many around have assured me that U of I would be crazy not to let me it, I am not so confident. There is always the possibility that I will not be accepted. In some ways, I think this is another step of faith--a really big step--probably more like a leap off a cliff or something.
I know that I could apply to a ton of schools or just one and both of those options require faith. Initially I thought I was making the decision too spiritual by saying I would trust in God to get me into the U of I program. I'm not saying that their is anything particularly holy about their program (or any program), just that I feel called to be there. And if I feel like God has called me to be there I should trust that he's going to work it out.
Monday, October 26, 2009
What's That?
Oh, it's been a month since I've posted?
Really? I hadn't noticed. That's right, I've been in the busiest six weeks of my life. I'm glad to say they are drawing to a close with the end of one of my classes. I haven't done the greatest work in there because I've been more focused on getting to the U of I, but I could have let my work slide for far worse things.
Speaking of the U of I, I am still on pins and needles. There is one more document that needs to be submitted before they will review my application so I am essentially right where I was a month ago. I cannot do anything at this point to speed up the process. All I can do is wait. And badger the person who is responsible for that last document. Which I have been doing, but to no avail.
For whatever reason, I feel a strange peace about the whole situation. It's strange because it comes and goes and I would rather it stayed around for awhile. Somehow I know that God has it all under control and I don't need to worry about where I am going. Many other things have worked out in this situation (like LCU offering a stats class as an intensive week, thus giving me a semester off) so I am confident that the outcome should be good once it gets here. All in the Lord's good time, I suppose.
Really? I hadn't noticed. That's right, I've been in the busiest six weeks of my life. I'm glad to say they are drawing to a close with the end of one of my classes. I haven't done the greatest work in there because I've been more focused on getting to the U of I, but I could have let my work slide for far worse things.
Speaking of the U of I, I am still on pins and needles. There is one more document that needs to be submitted before they will review my application so I am essentially right where I was a month ago. I cannot do anything at this point to speed up the process. All I can do is wait. And badger the person who is responsible for that last document. Which I have been doing, but to no avail.
For whatever reason, I feel a strange peace about the whole situation. It's strange because it comes and goes and I would rather it stayed around for awhile. Somehow I know that God has it all under control and I don't need to worry about where I am going. Many other things have worked out in this situation (like LCU offering a stats class as an intensive week, thus giving me a semester off) so I am confident that the outcome should be good once it gets here. All in the Lord's good time, I suppose.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Waiting
I did it. I applied for the MSW program at the U of I. And now I am waiting. Waiting is dangerous for me. Waiting sends me into apathy. I know that what I am doing right now is not what I'll be doing a year from now and I stop caring. I have yet to do any homework this week because I have been consumed with the application process. Once I decide to so something there is no stopping me. All of that other stuff that still needs to get done takes a backseat. In fact, all of that other stuff is taking a backseat to me updating my blog. All of that other stuff is roughly 9 pages of paper that have yet to be written and 100 pages that have yet to be read. Prayers are welcome and coveted. For everything.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Worry, Doubt, And Practical Atheism
I remember feeling overwhelmed during the first week of classes my freshman year of college---good ol' syllabus shock. Having only written one paper in high school (and only four pages at that) I was not prepared to write multiple papers over a 15 week period. Well, I did and I survived. Looking back I wonder why I was so freaked out by those syllabi.
I am hoping that in December I will look back and wonder why I was so freaked out in August. I have only seen one of three syllabi and already I am dreading the workload that this semester will bring. I feel like a freshman again. I feel just as unprepared as I did then. I haven't written a paper in nearly ten months. I haven't been in a classroom for ten months. It just feels weird to even walk around on campus. I am wondering how on earth I will ever get through the next two to three years.
To be honest I am filled with a lot of worry and doubt. I am doubting my own abilities and I am worried that seminary will just be too hard. I am also remembering that someone once said worry and doubt are practical atheism. So I am going to choose to trust God. To trust that I am right where he wants me to be.
I am hoping that in December I will look back and wonder why I was so freaked out in August. I have only seen one of three syllabi and already I am dreading the workload that this semester will bring. I feel like a freshman again. I feel just as unprepared as I did then. I haven't written a paper in nearly ten months. I haven't been in a classroom for ten months. It just feels weird to even walk around on campus. I am wondering how on earth I will ever get through the next two to three years.
To be honest I am filled with a lot of worry and doubt. I am doubting my own abilities and I am worried that seminary will just be too hard. I am also remembering that someone once said worry and doubt are practical atheism. So I am going to choose to trust God. To trust that I am right where he wants me to be.
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