Fly, Run, Walk

Yesterday at church the sermon was taken from Isaiah 40. You know, the poetic those who hope in the Lord will mount up on wings as eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint.

The gist of the sermon was that we occasionally soar like eagles, and we may often run, but we can always count on God to give us the strength to take at least one step. I am graduating on sunday and I cannot think of anything that more accurately sums up how God has sustained me throughout the last eighteen months.

I don't know how I could have done it without him. There were so many days I could barely get out of bed, barely get out the door, and barely make it to class on time. There were so many times I didn't know how to start a project, didn't think I could stay awake through class, and certainly didn't think I was going to make it to the end.

Somehow I was able to wake up each morning and take just one more step. I was able to type just one more sentence on that paper I thought I couldn't start. I pressed on one project at a time and I finally finished my coursework.

And here I am within days of graduation, weeks of finishing my internship, and have a promising job prospect. Without the reminder yesterday, I might have thought I was doing this in my own strength.

Who am I kidding? People do not complete a master's program in eighteen months without some kind of help. People do not do that in their own power. Thank goodness we can count on the God who gives us the strength to take just one more step.

273/365: Homecoming Parade

I'm not an alumnus yet, but I will be in just three short months! After going to to football game a few weeks ago, I have to say I am really feeling like an Illini. I'm turning into one of those weird people who loves college football, but only when it is their alma mater. It's kind of insane how into Illini football I have become. I actually don't mind at all when Seth wants to watch or listen to a game and hey are actually doing pretty well this season. 4-0 for the first time in years! Tonight was the homecoming parade, which was really random, but still a good time. There was a lot of I-L-L...I-N-I and random homecoming court members, one of whom had the worst hair I'd ever seen. But enough talk, onto the pictures.

The Chief made an appearance at the parade. He's not allowed at the games anymore thanks to NCAA regulations, but he was by far a crowd favorite at the parade.

The stunt and tumbling team was another favorite and they stopped to do some stunts right in front of us.

The actual cheerleader came later and they did this impressive stunt, of course it would have been more impressive if they all hadn't looked so nervous in the moments leading up to the lift.

Of course, it wouldn't be a parade without the Marching Illini.



***Update: The Fighting Illini are now 5-0 after winning the Homecoming Game!***

260/365: Alma Mater

Seth and I made plans with Matt and Becca and their adorable son, Charlie, to go to the Illini game against ASU. It was a highly publicized game and was televised on ESPN.

This was taken during one of the many breaks -- gotta allow time for all of those commercials. We sat in the horseshoe, opposite the student section at the other end of the field. Attending this game made me finally feel like I was a real Illini.

The halftime show did not disappoint. The Marching Illini were fabulous and the student section provided some entertainment as well.

This was a great game to go to because the outcome of the game came right down to the end. It was definitely entertaining and I paid attention the whole time, which is really saying something for me!

208/365: The First of What I Hope Will Be Many

No, it's not a paycheck, but maybe in a few months it will be....

146/365: Not So Welcome Interruptions

A few days ago I was thankful for the interruptions in my life. Not so much today.

During a home visit this morning I got a phone call that let me know I would be attending 8th grade graduation so that a child in foster care would get to see his sister graduate from 8th grade.

After graduation, I went to her graduation "party," which was really just the immediate family (minus the father and adding a couple random friends) eating a homemade cake and store bought ice cream.

The lady that lived there was very interesting.... One of her dogs had a gimp leg that made me gag every time I looked in its direction. She fed this dog cake and ice cream. At one point I looked over and she was setting a bite size piece of cake and a small spoonful of ice cream on top of the stove. I guess I must have had a confused look on my face because she explained that was for the mouse. She liked to feed her mouse so that it would not get into her food.

Never a dull moment in social work!

140/365: Thankful for Interruptions

I never would have dreamed that during grad school I would meet such wonderful people and decide I should make room for them in my life. I distinctly remember thinking that my world was full enough, save a MSW degree. My goal was not to make friends. I had one goal: get done with grad school as soon as possible so I could resume my normally scheduled life.

Thank goodness that God interrupted my normally scheduled life. The very first day of class  we were instructed to break up into pairs for a project that would last the whole summer. Honestly, Becca and I had no intention of choosing the other. She thought she was going to be partners with another girl in the class that she had previously worked with and well, I certainly wasn't planning on becoming partners with girl who had talked the most thus far into class. But there we were, everyone else had partnered up and we were left with each other.

If someone would have told me that morning I was going to meet one of my best friends I would have laughed in their face. But here I am, almost a year later and I am attending her son's birthday party. I drove over an hour to attend the party. Just because that is how much I love their family.

Becca is a role model for me. She is only a few years older than me, but I hope I can learn from the example she sets of how to be a great wife, mom, and professional.

139/365: Catch-Up

This picture was not taken today. Today was another whirlwind day, with a lot of it spent in the car. And one very....interesting...home visit.

This picture is from almost two weeks ago when Seth and I got our new phones. This was the first picture I took, as I was waiting on my phone to activate and actually have a signal.

Ironically, I was making the same face this morning as I tried to set up my computer for the Elluminate session I have to participate in tomorrow morning. Right now it appears that my computer does not like the whole headset thing. And I completely agree....I have a built in microphone so there's really no point in having an audio-in port. However, the instructor seems to think it is necessary for us to all have headsets and look like telemarketers.

136/365: Firsts

Today was a day of firsts. Seth started his new job and I started my internship.

I got this cool keychain.

And....this is the back. Oh yea, I will be sporting an abstinence keychain.

129/365: D-O-N-E

Today I finished my MSW course work.vTo celebrate, I drove my car to school and paid for parking--a real treat for me. Usually I have to catch the bus and live by the bus schedule. Since I was taking a final, I figured I would just allow myself the option of leaving as soon as I got done instead of waiting on the bus. Not to mention, I got to leave home a whole half hour later since we were busy this morning getting new phones.

Oh look, there goes my bus. But I'm not riding today, yippee! How I will enjoy not standing here waiting on the bus to come! The dog days are over. (Whatever that means.)

The School of Social Work, whose doors I will not darken again. At least, anytime soon.

**This post brought to you by new phone and its cool camera.**

There Are No Coincidences

Last week one of my friends said to me, 'I'm starting to think that there are no coincidences."

I'm inclined to agree with her. this comment came after I told her about being passed by a friend on the highway on the way home from school.

It got me thinking about the other coincidences that have happened in my life.

Is it just coincidence that I was accepted into the U of I's School of Social Work program, this year, where I have made what will probably be lifelong friends?

Is it coincidence that my mom had leukemia and my step-sister's dad also had leukemia? And that I am great friends with my step-sister?

Is is coincidence that friends of mine were prevented from flying to Asia the day after the most wanted terrorist was killed?

Is it coincidence that my internship and Seth's new job start on the exact same day and that neither one of us had any control over our start dates?

I think I am becoming more convinced that there are no coincidences. The orchestration of God is nothing short of amazing. I'm no Calvinist, but I certainly think that it is amazing the way God works in the details. I love the rare moments I am able to recognize God's hand in the details.

I'm starting to think there are no coincidences.

121/365: The Curse of Academia

Today, I attended the School of Social Work Award Ceremony.

Once I got there, I kind of regretted going at all. Only one of my friends was there and honestly, I could have cared less about the others in attendance.

The absence of a friend, who is very skilled and intelligent, made me keenly aware of the arbitrary nature of award ceremonies. As long as you look good on paper you get invited. Sure, most of the people deserve to be awarded, but there were plenty of people not invited who deserved to be there as well. That's not the main reason I regretted going, though. Aside from not caring who was there and feeling slightly high schooler-ish, I began to realize I was very anxious.

Blessedly, I have not felt anxiety over grades since high school. Assignments, yes. Grades, no. In college I didn't stress about maintaining a 4.0, especially since I blew my chances my very first semester in, of all the classes, Intro to the Bible. From there on out, I wasn't concerned. Grad school, up until today, was the same situation. Last semester I was truly shocked when I got A's in all of my classes and I am still kind of shocked, considering how poorly I did on a couple of my midterms.

Today, the anxiety over grades returned. I am ashamed to say it returned because suddenly I remembered how good it felt to be recognized in front of my peers. Students were recognized that were graduating with honors (read 4.0) and anxiety swelled inside of me. I wanted to graduate with honors. I wanted to be honored in front of my peers. I was all the more anxious because it is the end of my last semester of classes and well, I think a 4.0 is probably impossible.

After having a few hours away from the pomp and circumstance, my nerves have calmed and my anxiety has returned to a normal level. Well, normal for a full-time graduate student. I have realized: 1) Grades don't matter beyond graduation. The important thing is that I become a good practitioner and I can do that with a 4.0 or 3.5, 2) At this late point in my grad school career, a 4.0 is likely not going to happen. I'll go ahead and blame my lazy professors who make up for their lack of effort in the classroom by grading more strenuously, and 3) I don't really care that much about my peers think and I definitely won't care what some random person I went to grad school thinks of me in a year. Heck, most of them probably won't even remember who I am and that is okay because I will have forgotten who they are as well.

So, here's to never attending another awards ceremony every again. It's just not good for me.

117/365: Ugly Dip

All I could think about on the ride home was ugly dip. I don't know what it is, but finals time makes me crave comfort foods. Ugly dip was the comfort food of choice. I definitely knew I was in comfort food mode when I went shopping for ugly dip materials and came home with ramen as well.

Mental Disorders

Currently, I think I meet the criteria for more than one diagnosis in the DSM-IV-TR.

Off the top of my head I am sure I meet almost all of the criteria for two. Almost.

The good news is all of my symptoms will disappear in exactly one month.

The day I take my last final. Ever. (I hope.)

But for now, Microsoft Office is my (only) friend and sadly my camera is not.

I don't know why each sentence is it's own paragraph. (Perhaps I'm a little OCD?)

Anyhow, I'm taking a break from project 365 and from blogging. Unless I get really stressed and need to vent.

The Problem With Advising

Is that I don't feel like I am being advised.

I barely know my advisor and I am quite sure that if she saw me outside of our advising appointments, she wouldn't know me from Adam.

Well....she might know me from Adam, but not from Eve.

I have been in her office the grand total of two times, totaling less than thirty minutes altogether. I must say I am really disappointed. I found my advising relationship to be very helpful when I was an undergrad.

Of course, graduate students are probably expected to have their act together and not need advising in the same sense that undergrads do. I guess my big beef with the system is that I can't use my advisor as a resource because she doesn't even know who I am. Unfortunately, I don't even have classes with her. Most of my classes are with adjunct professors who teach only a class here and there.

The two advising appointments I did have were simply another step in the process of registration. Since I did my program so quickly, I don't have many choices about what classes to take. Since the program is stuffed to the gills I didn't have much choice about what section of classes I could be in either. I just prayed that I was able to get into all of my classes without having a conflict, let alone actually trying to plan the ideal schedule.

All I have left is the internship, so my meeting today was nothing more than her signing a piece of paper and me going on my merry way.

And of course, the obligatory "good luck."

95/365: Lists

I'd be lost without lists. Lists give me direction.

Lists make me feel accomplished. Lists also make me feel overwhelmed.

It's a love-hate relationship.

94/365: Carpal Tunnel

My poor wrist has been aching nonstop since saturday. I've noticed that it happens right after midterms and lasts until finals are over. I have about ten minutes of relief every morning before it begins to ache again.

Typing, incidentally, is not very helpful to the aching of my wrist.

Even when I am doing absolutely nothing, like driving to school my wrist hurts. I have tried like every possible position that my wrist can be in and nothing helps. Any other time I would be more than happy to oblige and cease all typing for a week. From midterms through finals this is not an option. Not. An. Option. I've got to write papers! And blog!

88/365: Anxiety

My anxiety levels are off the charts. All because of a stupid midterm that is tomorrow. This is week 11. Seriously? A midterm? Week 11 of 16. That is not a MIDterm. I've not been one to stress out about midterms, but this one has me.

I know that it is because the professor gave very vague instructions and I don't feel very confident in my study techniques. However, knowing that doesn't change the level of my anxiety.

I have tried everything. I've prayed about it. I've positive self-talked. I've taken motion sickness pills because I've heard that they relax you. Well, they did not relax me. They did make me very sleepy when I went to library later to study.

I have told myself that it is only a midterm and that even if I fail the midterm, I can still pass the class. I have told myself that even if I get a C in the class I will still be alright. Nothing is working. Guess I'll just have to wait for this midterm to be over and hope that is what's triggering this crazy anxiety.

Paralyzed

This is probably just saying what I said yesterday, only in a different way. However, this blog is for me and not for you and I feel like I need to write the same thing in a different way.

When it comes to homework, I feel paralyzed. It occurred to me in the shower this morning that the reason I am paralyzed come from one source. My bleeping independent study. Halfway into the semester I still don't know what my instructor wants and I am still dreading doing anything for that class. Since I dread doing anything for that class I decide that it makes total sense to not do any homework at all.

This is how I get to the end of spring break and have accomplished nothing. I'm beginning to think that I decided to paint the whole apartment in an effort to avoid homework and still feel productive.

I have written a to-do list. I wrote one a few weekends ago when I was feeling very overwhelmed by school. I wrote another one before spring break. I finished a few random things on that one and started a new one that included the things I hadn't done from the old one.

Guess what? I basically did nothing that was on that list because it meant at some point I was going to get to the point I had to do the reading/paper writing for my independent study. After I had my epiphany in the shower this morning I decided that I just needed to start somewhere. So I did. However, I haven't got to any of the school related stuff on the list.

The paralysis continues . . .

The Need for Routine

I've been on Spring Break this week. Alas, all good things must come to an end and I am now thinking about all that needs to be done for next week. I had the hardest time falling asleep last night because I was working myself into a ball of stress.

I have realized that I really need routine to keep me going and to keep me from becoming a total slacker who later turns into a stress-er. Instead of thinking about the homework I could get done and the stress that would be removed from my life, I thought about removing red walls from my living room. Last thursday I made this crazy rash decision and thought it would be a good idea to paint the whole apartment.

I had a fantasy that while I was waiting on coats of paint to dry I would do homework. I would also turn into superwoman, apparently. I have learned that I can't do it all. I have learned that I should probably give more than 48 hours thought to the decision to paint the apartment, no matter how small said apartment is. I should probably just stick to my routine of doing homework until the semester is over. That would probably be helpful.

75/365: Accepted?

I got this receipt in the mail today. In the for line it says it's for Alpha Delta Mu. Alpha Delta Mu is a Social Work Honor Society. I almost didn't even try to get in because I had to write a personal statement about how awesome I am and the statement was due last friday, which was at the end of a very, very busy week. I finally realized it was only 300 words, which is nothing and found some time to write it last thursday morning. When I went to turn it in my brain was so fried that instead of telling the receptionist it was for Alpha Delta Mu, I told her it was for Alpha Data Mu.

If I get in I am recognized at a ceremony and get to wear cool tassels or something at graduation. I am a bit skeptical that I actually got in already, though. If you look closely, you'll see that the date on the receipt is March 11, which was the day my statement needed to be turned in by. I can't help but wonder if some administrative assistant got a hold of the check and wrote a receipt for it, not realizing she needed to wait. I just went and checked my "invitation" and it clearly says that if I am not accepted for membership the check will be returned to me. I guess until I hear otherwise I will think of this receipt as my acceptance letter.