Happy New Year (Four Days Late!)

The fact that I am just getting to my new year post on January 4th might be a sign of my year is going to go. But I hope not. On Monday I started a new job. Hurray for employment! Of course, until I get my first paycheck it's going to feel like I am still an intern.

I'm still doing everything I was doing over my internship (except for homework!) and have had some more added to my schedule. I have to fill out all of the new employee paperwork and I inherited a huge stack of papers to be filed. So yea, I started the year feeling a day late and a dollar short. I am hopeful that my learning curve won't be too extreme since I have kinda been doing this for a few months. Now it is just official.

I've barely had time to think about goals this year. I know I am not going to be ambitious as I was last year because well, I wasn't very successful. I think the main things I will focus on this year are organizing and purging our home, saving money, and being the absolute best I can be at my job. I am very, very excited to see what this year brings.

I kinda feel like an adult. Weird.

312/365: No Help

I was on a tight schedule this afternoon and this very, very slow moving train did nothing to help.

Thoughts on Change

I remembered the other day that when I turned 24 I set all of these goals for myself that I wanted to accomplish before I turned 25. I then said I was going to revisit this list each month and see how I was doing. I think that lasted maybe 2 months and let me just tell you: I'm not making a lot of progress.

I think I really underestimated how much change was going to happen in my 24th year of life. I didn't know that Seth was going to get a different job or that we were going to move to a different town back in January.

However, I did know that I was going to be starting my internship and taking on a completely foreign to me schedule. I really did not think through how much that change would effect me though. I don't think I've ever had to work 4 days straight. There has always been a day in there to break things up so my body is really making a big adjustment to that.

I really noticed this after my car accident when every muscle in my body ached. By noon I was about to fall asleep at my desk -- this has happened every day I've gone into work since then. There just must be something about the particular muscles that move the most when you sit at a desk in front of a computer, or drive, or pretty much anything that has you moving your shoulders a lot.

All of this to say, I made some really lofty goals and I am now realizing that realistically they are not all going to happen. For my own mental health I just need to admit that. I really wanted to be able to run in a 5K this year, but with all of the other stuff going on in my life, the last change I want to make to my schedule is to decide to get up an hour earlier in the morning to run. (Sidenote: I think it will be easier to get up and run when I have control over my schedule everyday. My schedule isn't as flexible as it was when I first started, meaning I kind of have a routine, but I still have to work with other people a lot and I don't feel like I completely own my schedule.)

I've realized that when my life gets hectic I start getting back to basics. I cut out running and sleep a little longer. I don't cook dinner and we eat out. I'm not sure when I'll find the balance and be able to work out, have a full-time job, budget, meal plan, and not feel overwhelmed by trying to do it all.

I've decided that getting my master's degree is going to be a big enough accomplishment on it's own. And if I have a job...even better. Running a 5K would be nice, but there will always be a 5K I can run next year.

276/365: It's All In the Details

Today I drove a rental for work and used it to take home one of the children who was actually in the accident with me. First let me say that she is 5 and the first time she rode in my car she called it a van. My car is about the furtherest thing from a van, being a compact two-door.

This rental car was black, and had four doors. Not really anything like my RED car. We walk outside to get in the car and the little girl says, "Your car got fixed!" Yep, she was pretty excited. On the way home I had to explain to her what rental cars are. So far I have taught her that not every moving vehicle is called a 'van' and that sometimes people drive cars that aren't theirs when other people 'bonk' into them. Good times.

Making Lemonade

Last monday I was in a car accident while I was transporting two children to the office. I am not going to lie, it was traumatizing and none of us were seriously injured. I have had a whole gamut of emotions since then, but mostly angry and sad. The other driver (who pulled out in front of me) walked away uninjured and with a drivable car. My car on the other hand, was not able to be driven away from the accident. To top it off, the other driver never even came over to see if I or the children with me were okay. Instead, he was hellbent on tearing off his fender. 

I had titled this post "I'm not good at making lemonade." I was really bitter about the whole situation. My car is emotionally charged and is an item of sentimentality to me. My grandpa bought it brand new for me when I was sixteen. It's the only car I have ever driven and I planned on driving it until it wouldn't go anymore. Just a couple weeks ago I replaced the brake pads for the first time. The day before the accident I filled up with gas. Earlier this year, I replaced the battery for the first time. I was less than two thousand miles away from rolling over one hundred thousand miles. When this guy ran into me he took all of that away from me. The last thing I wanted to do was think about making lemonade out of lemons. 

Then I checked out the guy on judici. I found that he had a record a mile long. Not so long ago he left the scene of an accident and didn't have insurance. A bit before that he had a DUI. Basically, every time this guy gets in a car he makes it his mission to screw up as badly as possible. Long story short, I am lucky this guy stayed at the scene, let alone that he actually had insurance. I'm starting to get a little bit better at making lemonade.

264/365: Fashion Diaries

A. I need to clean my mirror.

B. There is this thing taking over the Instagram world called Fashion Diaries.

I don't dress nice enough to actually post on there everyday. Well, it's not really a matter of nice enough, but more that I usually don't look that fashionable, put together or both. On wednesdays I dress pretty casually because I have a visit with four kids under the age of 7. Not really going to wear anything too nice for that so this is my best attempt at looking put together.

Is There A Point?

Sometimes I wonder what the point is to taking a picture everyday. Often, the photo I take isn't what I will really remember from that day. Monday through thursday I generally can't share openly what really happened that day. Sure there's more to my life than work, but it seems trivial to take a picture of that when lives are changing everyday where I work.

Even if I could share my day, it would just be inappropriate to take a picture. Like on monday, when I was dropping off a kid at his foster home and had to wake up the foster mom. And it was the first time I had ever met the foster mom. That was just awesome. Hey, wake up and by the way, I'm Jessica, nice to meet you.

Or on wednesday when I could hear the cries of a little girl who I think is being traumatized over and over again every time she has a visit with her parents. That's not really photo-worthy.

Thursday I took a picture on my way home. Many farmers have already started harvesting corn. Coming from a farm family I love the harvest. It reminds me of so much. However, that doesn't really sum up what I did on thursday. To post a picture of a combine and pretend like the rest of my day didn't happen just seems wrong.

Thursday morning we went to court and two teenage girls were placed in our custody. One of them refused to go with us, and then the bailiffs refused to help us, and the judge told them they didn't have to. Thanks, Mr. Judge, you tell us what to do and then don't give us the power to do it. We ended up calling the police and eventually she went with us. Eventually she looked at us and eventually she talked to us. It's amazing what some McDonald's can do. I hung out with her all afternoon and saw a whole gamut of emotions. And I honestly couldn't bring myself to even try to cheer her up. She summed up the day well when she said "this sucks."

Often I feel like posting pictures of my day makes it seem like every day is perfect and I'm always happy. But I'm not. Often I come home feeling sad or overwhelmed. But that's not all, I really enjoy doing what I'm doing deep down. Even on the days when it sucks I think deep down that what I am doing makes a difference. Or, at least I hope I am.

249/365: Creepy Crawlies

Let's be honest creepy crawlies sounds better than lice. At least when it comes to the title of a blog post. Last friday when I was at court I had to sit with the child for a while and well there was lots of hugging a playing and being close in general because I had a feeling I knew what was happening in court. The child was taken into foster care and that night she told her foster mom that she had lice, which she did. I didn't find this out until today though, so needless to say my head has been itching all day because I am paranoid.

248/365: Rollin' Grandma Style

Today was the dreaded trip to Georgetown. Thankfully, there was a rental this week so I didn't have to take my own car. However, the rental was a white Crown Victoria. I really couldn't decide if I felt like I was driving my grandma's car, had stolen a cop car, or was suddenly a gangster.

244/365: Cute Shoes

One of the things I do enjoy about my internship is having the occasion to dress nicely. Although, it usually only comes once or twice a week. Instead of casual friday, I'm dressing nicer than I have most of the week and wearing heels for a change. Actually, I don't even go in on fridays so this is about as opposite as I can get.

Yesterday

**There has been so much drama this week that taking pictures has seemed irrelevant. I've yet to decide if I want to post about the other happenings of this week, but I know for sure I need to document thursday.**

Yesterday I thought I was going to see a mother's joy when she hears her daughter is being returned to her. Five months ago this mother made the mature decision to let her daughter live with her grandmother because she knew she had her own issues to take care of. She knew she needed to do what was best for her daughter. For the first time in over two years, this mother finally decided she was ready to make a change.

I've only known her for the last four months, but in that time I have seen one of the most determined and motivated individuals I may ever meet. She has worked tirelessly to ensure that when the court date arrived she would be prepared to have her daughter placed in her care. Every monday for the last sixteen weeks I have watched her interact with her daughter and I have been impressed by the obvious bond between them. It was obvious to me when we went to the dentist and the only way her daughter was finally able to comply was when her mother told her how disappointed and sad and upset she was. This daughter wanted to please her mother because she is bonded to her and, as is normal in bonded relationships, the daughter did not want to disappoint her mother.

However, the judge did not support our recommendation for the goal. I sat in another hearing for another case earlier yesterday morning, in which the mother had similar issues as this mother. In the earlier case the mother had been doing well, but within the last six months she has regressed. It is my own personal opinion that the judge might have had that on his mind when he told this other mother that he wanted to see her continue to make progress for another six months before changing the goal. I understand the judge has to protect the children and I respect his decision, but it doesn't mean I have to agree.

Perhaps the most devastating part of the judge's decision was his decision to make the child a ward of the state. Previously, she had only been a ward of the court and was not in foster care. The child had been living with her grandmother only because the mother agreed to place the child there, not because she was court ordered to. At that point the mother still had all of her parental rights, which I think was and still is appropriate. As a ward of the state, the child will remain with her grandmother, but she is now in relative foster care.

Yesterday this case became a foster care case, instead of an intact case. Once the case went to foster care it gets reassigned to a foster care caseworker. Under normal circumstances we might expect that the case might remain in our office since we have previously worked with the family. However, we aren't operating as normal. Our intake has been closed for the current time, which means the case is going to move to another agency entirely.

I fully anticipated that last monday might possibly be the last visit I supervised. But I thought it would be the last for completely different reasons. Yesterday, we had a meeting with the mother and grandmother after court to discuss where we go from here. As we sat there it hit me that I may never see this family again. I might get to be there when we hand the case off to whatever agency gets it, but even then that is only the handoff of the child. Generally, handoffs don't include the parent too.

I have watched this mother make so much progress and work so hard. She has busted her a** to get her daughter home. (My supervisor's words exactly.) Sometimes you work so hard and it seems you have nothing to show for it. The judge tells you that the work you have done is commendable and yet he doesn't send your child home to you. Yet. My heart breaks for my client. I don't know what it is like to have your child taken away from you, but I do know what it feels like to buckle down and work hard and see nothing happen. I know what it feels like to work and feel like it is all in vain.

I hope she sees that six months is a blip on the screen in the grand scheme of things. I hope she sees that her daughter is so young she will probably not remember most of this anyway. I hope she sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, six months feels like an eternity now, but what you have done is not in vain. Keep doing what you are doing, please. It will not be in vain.

Almost There

I just read this blog post and it was exactly what I needed as I start this "semester."

via

I guess this is sort of my last first day of classes, except I'm not going to class, I'm going to my internship. Yesterday at church there was a prayer for students, teachers and parents. And...I cried through the whole thing. As soon as they started praying for students --praying that they would do all things with excellence, that they would befriend the students who are overlooked --well I realized that was what I really needed.

I'm tired of being in school and I don't want to do things with excellence. I just want to do them and be done. Many of the kids I work with probably don't have a lot of friends, they're awkward, shy, or just plain obnoxious. Honestly, on most days I just don't have the mental, physical, or emotional strength to be friendly towards them.

The only thing I remember from the prayer for teachers was that they would have an abundance of patience. I know I need an abundance of patience for sure, but all I could think was, "praying for an abundance of patience is like praying for an abundance of obnoxious children who try your patience." I know I could use more patience for sure.

After taking 20 credit hours two semesters in a row and then jumping immediately into a 7 month internship I'm a little tired and a little worn. I think that the class part of the internship is a waste of time and I don't want to do my assignments at all, let alone do them with excellence. Those assignments just feel like busy work, which I am not convinced they aren't. The internship itself I enjoy, but that doesn't mean I have an endless supply of patience with clients, whether adult or child.

Being an intern at a place I want to work after the internship puts me in an awkward position. I want to do a good job and I do work hard, but sometimes I feel like I get taken advantage of. Since I am new my schedule is relatively wide open. I don't have many standing appointments, usually my calendar doesn't fill up until a day or two before. Since my calendar is so open I have people saying, "well, can't you do this for a hour on thursday?" and "why don't you do this on tuesday?" and before I know it I barely have any other time left. I have a really hard time saying no because I want to show them I am a hard worker and I am willing to work outside of the standard 9-5. I already feel bad enough when I say I can't come in on fridays even though that is a grad school policy, not my own personal preference.

As an intern, I don't get paid and I don't have sick days. I am expected to show up everyday for 32 weeks straight. My supervisor has told me that they are more lenient about that, but the thing with my schedule now is that I can't miss a day or else I am going to leave my responsibilities hanging. And it's not just paperwork that needs to get done, it's driving 2 hours to pick someone up and supervise visits. I now supervise a parent/child visit every day of the week and all of those require 4+ hours of my time. One of those visits requires 4 hours just of driving.

I hope that I will feel differently once I am getting compensated for my time. I hope that I won't mind the later evenings so much and that I'll have a little more patience.

What I do know is that I am almost there. I am almost done with grad school and I am almost done being an intern. I am getting closer to 'there.'

Hump Day Brain Dump

Here's what's rolling around in my brain today.

• On monday I went to the dentist with a three year old and her mom. I may never want to have kids. And if I do, well, I'm not taking them to the dentist. And if by some chance I do, I'm giving them a tranquilizer before.
• I've stayed late at work the last few days. I don't plan it, it just happens because there is something really interesting that is going on or I am helping someone out. I've gone in late to try and balance it out but then I somehow end up staying late those days too. I'm not going in until 11 this morning and I'm still not going to make any ground on balancing out the hours I should be in the office. Yikes!
• Yesterday I supervised a visit with a three year old boy. At the very end he declared "I have to go poop! I am not kidding!" Well, we were at the park and I didn't really have the time to go with the mom to take him to the bathroom so I loaded him up in my car and we went back to the office so he could use the bathroom there. I was helping him button his pants and he told me "you're very nice" and then he gave me the sweetest hug.
• The sad thing about this is he barely knows me so he shouldn't be giving me hugs. I'm afraid he might have reactive attachment disorder because he is either sweet to the extreme or aggressive to the extreme. And he has more resentment than I have ever seen in a three year old. 
• I am wondering if I'll be able to finish my internship at Catholic and if I can't what will happen. Hoping things go well in court today, because I really like my internship!
• It's a good thing Seth and I got to spend the whole weekend together because we've hardly seen each other this week. Between my late(r) evenings and his meetings we just haven't seen each other very much this week.
• I have realized I love reality television. Not the Real Housewives of New York type so much, but more the Project Runway, Chopped, and Design Star reality shows.
• Speaking of television, The Pioneer Woman has a show premiering on the Food Network next weekend. I am so excited!
• Speaking of excited, I get to babysit Charlie all day friday. Can't wait to see my favorite (and giant) two year old!

226/365: Toddler Wrangling

I never know what to expect a day will bring. I did know I was going with a toddler to the dentist today so it was going to be interesting.

Oh and the appointment was smack dab in the middle of naptime and we had to wait over an hour.

She was having no part of it and threw a full fledged tantrum when asked to sit in the chair. As it turned out I got to hold her on my lap while her mom tried to get a flouride coating onto her teeth.

And some of it got on my arm...

A Shining Moment

Despite being told I looked like a Jehovah's Witness this morning, today turned out to be a really great day.

That very same client later asked me when I was going to be a caseworker. I told her I wasn't going to have a degree until December so for sure not until after that. She then told me that she was hoping once I was a caseworker that her case could be transferred to me.

Now, hopefully her case will be closed by December and even if it wasn't, clients don't get to choose who their caseworker is!

However, this is something I consider a major accomplishment. Caseworkers are often seen as the enemy, especially by the parents. After all, "we" took their kids away! It sure does help that I am coming along well after the fact (over a year ago) but I'd like to think I possess some quality that her caseworker doesn't that just makes the process more manageable.

I always try to provide her with as much information about what is happening with her case as I am able to. Sometimes I am limited by my lack of knowledge and other times I just can't tell her about other parts of the case. And when I don't know something, I tell her I don't know something. I try to be as up front as possible. It probably helps that I also take her to McDonald's after each court hearing so she can get coffee (she buys her own).

I know that not every client is going to love me or even like me. In fact, most will probably hate me and wish I was not a part of their lives. But that's ok because I'll be wishing they weren't a part of mine either. ;)

222/365: Jehovah's Witness

This morning I picked up a client and the first words out of her mouth were: "You look like a Jehovah's Witness!" I wasn't all that sure how to take it, but I decided not to take it personally.

Once I got to the office I had three different people tell me I looked cute.

So what do you think, Jehovah's Witness or Cute?

208/365: The First of What I Hope Will Be Many

No, it's not a paycheck, but maybe in a few months it will be....

201/365: Boredom

Sometimes I don't have a lot to do at work/internship. This is highlighted by the lack of computer.  So I take pictures. 

200/365: Workplace Dangers

Today at work my foot was rolled over by one of my coworkers. She didn't do it on purpose. It hurt super bad and started bleeding A LOT. 

Funny thing is, all I could think about when it happened was the episode of The Office when Michael is trying to convince the warehouse workers that real dangers exist in the office upstairs too.

199/365: Fringe Benefits

One of the benefits of my job is that I don't have to sit at a desk all day. Some days there is a lot of paperwork but there are also days when I am out of the office almost all day.

Today I got to go to a museum in Springfield (that I cannot remember the name of). The museum  had several levels but the only one that we wen to was the basement because that is where the children's area was. It was much smaller than I expected it to be but the three year old didn't seem to mind too much. And it was free so I can't complain about that!